My Natural Hair Journey

I've wanted to publish a post about my natural hair journey but was too afraid that I didn't have the right words to express myself. I've decided, after careful consideration, that it is necessary to share my feelings about my natural hair journey. Brace yourselves! It isn't glitz and glam and self-love. It's feelings of inadequacy, self-doubt, sorrow, and envy.

Let's start from the beginning. My mother began relaxing my hair when I was nine years old. I remember her taking me to the Dominican salon up the block from our apartment in Washington Heights. Me, my mother, and my grandmother were regulars at the salon, so they loved us. I remember leaving the salon that day and people in the street looked at my hair in amazement. It was long and silky and bone straight. My mother ALWAYS took extremely good care of my hair, and though I wasn't always grateful for that as a child, I'm certainly grateful for it now.

As a child into my early teens, I kept my hair long. Even though it was chemically treated, my mother cared for it so well that it thrived despite the damaging effects of a relaxer. I began keeping my hair on the shorter side at about fourteen years old. It was still relaxed. This is when I started exploring bob haircuts and color (you can't begin to imagine how much conditioner I went through on a weekly basis! I STILL do).

Fast forward to the age of twenty-one, and I decided that it was time to let my hair grow natural again. You see, my mother only relaxed my hair to make it more manageable (wash days were and still are an Olympic sport). Thus, began the process of transitioning. The last time I relaxed my hair was in May 2014.

Man, oh man! Transitioning to back to natural hair was not only stressful, but time consuming as well. I had to relearn my natural curl pattern and fight the desire to constantly run my flat iron through my hair. Not to mention hair products for natural hair can be pricey!

After crying over the physical exhaustion caused by detangling, I decided I wanted to sport dreadlocks. I started my locs in July 2016. A little over two years later, I started missing the looseness of my hair, and I had my hairstylist cut them off November 2018 (I'm picky. I know).

Fast forward to today and I continue to discover new things about what my natural hair does and doesn't benefit from. It isn't easy, and after all these years of my journey, I'm still plagued by insecurity regarding my hair texture. Women of color are notorious for facing hair discrimination and hair angst.

 My mother is black, and my father is Puerto Rican. I have a blend of curly and wavy hair. My curls and waves are on the softer side, and my hair is thick. I keep my hair healthy by moisturizing, regular trims, and weekly deep conditioning sessions. With all the care I put into my hair, there are still many moments when I mourn the end of my relaxed hair days.

There are days when I look in the mirror, and I cringe at the site of my hair. It may sound awful, but it's my truth. Then, there are days when I'm proud to be a curly girl. Other days, I miss the ease of detangling my hair when it was in a chemically treated state. I often envy the textures of the naturalistas whose beautiful curls grace YouTube. It makes me wonder if my curls are just as appealing, and though people have told me how much they love my hair, I've also had the dissatisfaction of being told my hair wasn't good enough because it isn't straight.

I continually wrestle with negative thoughts about my natural hair. Self-love doesn't grow overnight. It's a brutal excursion that will tear you apart before you can put yourself back together again, but it's also enlightening and freeing. I have good days and bad days. I'm grateful for both.

There is an array of reasons why someone chooses to embark on a natural hair journey. I didn't embark on my journey to make a statement (not that anything is wrong with that, of course). I made the switch simply because I wanted healthier hair, and to me that meant ditching the chemicals.

If you, like myself, are amid a natural hair journey, just know that whatever feelings you're dealing with are normal and valid. Take the good with the bad and learn as much as possible. Reach out to other naturals and ask them about their journey. There are a ton of great resources online and remember... Natural or relaxed... your hair is made of sugar and spice and everything nice!